The war in Ukraine has altered the history of so many. 13.6 million according to the UN. While we are not suffering by any stretch of the imagination, change is hard and adapting to new surroundings in Romania is an ongoing challenge. Yet, within the altered rhythms, there are new ideas, new questions, and opportunities for growth.

I’ve blogged our families journey on this little site for 15 years now. I’ve been blogging for long, I don’t think this term is even relevant anymore. I remember when a personal blog, especially for missionaries, was cutting edge! It replaced the pricey, outdated printed newsletter. Fancy, fast, yet over time my little blog has became swallowed up in the glut of the information highway now filled with motion, sounds, talking heads.

I’m still very thankful for friends that still click over and check out recent news, prayer requests, though over the past year this has become more convenient to do over on Facebook. Sigh. For someone that enjoys context and story, texting updates on these tiny phones is a little depressing. Tidbits of info, flying past your face, will something be caught, read, and for what?

I heard one futurist warn, “The things that have been invented in the last 20 years will not be here in another 20 years.” Maybe the typed word, or printed newsletter is still the way to go. But, for this next season, I shall explore the verbal. Though the podcast is no longer new, and I’m probably way too late for that dance, I am going to try it. It will get me, hopefully, of this dreaded laptop screen more, a fast becoming life goal.

Like many of you 40-50 somethings, I’ve spent the better part of the past 20 years using technology as a means to an end. Spreadsheets, project management, putting out fires, sending invoices. By the time the iPhone was launched in 2008, I had already been living behind screens for the better part of 10 years.

When I started Cypress Interactive, back in 2003, I was excited to create, to be involved in bringing artistic things to life. We would be a tech company that stayed true to humanity, and nature, thus the Cypress trees. We deployed 100’s of projects over a decade, and we learned so much. Yet, I personally did very little of the creating, and more of the administration, making sure pieces moved, people got their deliverables, and we got paid. It was a blessed season of growth, formation, learning. I think I sort of lost my way, pragmatically producing results, rather than the joy of human creativity. America sort of does that to you, lures you in, entices you with production markers, rewards and you find yourself just running faster without thinking about deeper meaning in life.

I, unfortunately took that posture to Ukraine. This focus on doing, on results, is hard to discern until you find yourself slowly being formed within another culture. Instead of adapting to the contours of Ukrainian culture, I found myself bent on shaping a Christianity and worldview that that fit my own native lens. I didn’t mean to do this, I was just reading my Bible and seeing the Gospel through my natural habitat of production. Events, buildings, scale, decisions.

Sure, we can serve a widow in one village, but why not expand to regions, and more countries? We can host one evening of prayer and worship, but why not brand it and take it on the road, create movement and have something to show for our efforts? Without giving it much thought, I was applying western pragmatic, and consumer-driven mental models to Christian mission. While I wasn’t focused on quick ‘salvation prayers’ (I wasn’t that misled), I was however overly focused on starting things, then like moth to flame, seeing them expand.

But there’s a catch. When things expand, they carry with them a weight of logistical responsibility. The same spreadsheets, the same invoices, staff needs and time investments all follow you. Maybe that’s what I wanted, to feel comfortable in my own western skin in an uncomfortable foreign culture? In any case, I transitioned eventually from managing US businesses poorly from afar, to managing Lighthouse Cafe, and then re-starting a defunct NGO. By 2020, I was neatly wrapped inside a suffocating cocoon of my own making. 14 hour days on my laptop, surprising new health issues, increased stress, charity boards, meetings, expanding budgets, more staff, and simmering anger.

The vision God puts on our lives seems to be purposefully ellusive. There’s enough there to set some trajectories, but not enough to apply all the details. It’s enough to motivate, but not enough to keep us out of making a mess of things. The past year, before the war, I felt an unsettled feeling, like I was being shaped for something entirely different that was my reality was providing me at the time. That feeling followed me through Christmas, as we watched the war in Ukraine become a reality. I didn’t want to do my life anymore, not the one I had unwittingly created. It was a young man’s life, filled with management and laptops.

War. Jolted out of our comfort zone. No time to think about life directions and career paths. While the first months were spent in ‘hero mode’, connecting resources to endangered folks, and caring, along with thousands of others for desperate needs, the adrenaline soon waned. The past month has been like waking up from a dream, coming out of a fog. Where have I been? Why am I doing this, that? Who am I? What, in my life, do I actually do that I choose to? Want to? Would do if given permission?

To be honest, it’s taken me a few grueling months here in Romania wrestling through these questions. I still don’t have any long term answers. I don’t know where we will be living in 2023 and beyond. Forget about geography, I don’t know what I’ll be doing. I do, however, feel the sense of the Spirit encouraging me to take risks. Not the kind of risk that the younger Bruce would take, tickets in hand, passports and some impulse. This kind of risk is more difficult. It’s facing the inner world and recognizing God is installing a new operating system for this next phase. My old parts, my drivers, and apps, they can’t make the upgrade, they’ll need to be let go, they’ve run their course.

When we were in PA this summer for Bron’s wedding, we spent some lovely time enjoying nature. I was mediating by a small river and I felt the Spirit encourage me to try and get across the part of a river where some slippery logs lay. It was against all common sense. But I did it, and began to regret it halfway though. Deb was near, and I thought for sure I was going to fall in and make her day. I remember the child-like adrenaline having to balance myself along this log for a few meters, water rushing one both sides. It was SO worth it!

I’ve begun swimming laps 3 times per week in Romania. It’s vastly improved my breathing issues and overall health. I’ve taken up some photography lately, at least allowing myself to embrace this hobby I enjoy. It’s in this odd season of self discovery, or perhaps better coined self-care, that I’m venturing into this world of podcasting. It’s something I thought about for a few years, and for the past several months thought long and hard about. It’s been the invitation, I believe, of the Spirit to step on some slippery logs, and not worry about falling in.

I miss our living room, our home in Ukraine. There, we have held space, loved on people by being just a caring couple. We know this is the strength of our ministry to others in many respects, and why folks journey with us still. We have been learning to genuinely love people, not for any personal gain, but for the beauty of listening as a practice, for affirming the dignity of others. Allowing, even encouraging others to unpack their stories in a safe, accepting space is for me, immensely life-giving.

I am, by nature and to the surprise of some, an introvert. Introverts gain energy in solitude, they get rooted and ready for the world, but it takes time. I really don’t like crowds, and I loathe chit chat for it’s own sake. A podcast, I hope, will be a way to enjoy conversation, and deeper dialogue around meaningful topics, without having to type away on the dreaded laptop.

With the encouragement of the Spirit, and my lovely wife, I will host and upload a podcast at least once per week. I’m ready to try and bring my full self to something again, and let the Spirit form me in the process. If it turns out I’m terrible at it, so be it. Falling into a river is worth the risk.

Some of my favorite themes to explore will be:

• Missional movement & the deconstruction of Christendom (the West)
• Mentoring, coaching, leadership, spiritual direction
• Marriage & family
• Andragogy (How adults learn vs children)
• Theology
• Trauma
• Culture making
• Power structures (hierarchies, sociology, how to initiate change).
• Personal formation and spiritual growth
• Russian history (the real history, not Putin’s version)
• Canadian politics
• Toronto Maple leafs

The format will include conversations with guests. I want to have some specific Ukrainian – Russian related themes and interviews to break down some western mental models. Cultural perspectives are so fascinating and broaden our worldview.

I would like to highlight some books as well. Particularly some literature that will help middle aged folks integrate faith and practice through difficult seasons of rediscovery and second half living.

Well, that’s all for now, wanted to lay down context for this podcast, and remind myself why I need to keep going! Thanks to Bronwyn for my logo.

Living in a foreign country requires a penchant for mathematics or a quick-draw calculator app. Recently moving to Romania at the onset of the war, we’ve had to adjust to the Romanian Lei (or RON), which is around 5:1 to the USD.

Every time we visit the ATM and pop in our US bank card, the bank recognizes the foreign card and offers a currency exchange rate. You have to approve the ‘currency conversion’ before the machine will dispense the local currency.

Conversion: the process of changing from one form to another

Oxford dictionary

The other day, I was wrestling with the hand of the Lord._¹ You know, when the Spirit is encouraging you to deal with something but you are consciously or subconsciously avoiding that uncomfortable, inward place. Like Adam & Eve, we humans have a bad habit of hiding from God, or so we think – we’re really just avoiding ourselves.

So I was doing my thing, running about, staying busy and productive.

I had been sensing the invitation from the Lord to slow down, take a breath and acknowledge some things in my soul. We know, from experience, that leaning into brewing storms of the soul will ultimately resolve in the liberation that only our Savior can bring, but the process of deliberately acknowledging there’s something wrong can be a fierce battle.

Sometimes this incessant pursuit of the Spirit has to grind us down in our human strength, to the point of real surrender.

I fight this whole life-long formation thing, but I know it’s His plan for me. To be a person of integrity is to be whole. He is making us whole, removing the dissonance of inward falsity as His love brings the gift of resonance with God and ourselves.

I don’t know about you, but I find it so difficult to believe the genuine love God has for me, day in, day out. Where does He find the loving reserves to put up with my stubbornness? When my soul is shipwrecked, it’s usually because I’ve lost the north star of God’s love over me.

Anyway, this was the state of my soul as I robotically approached yet another ATM.

I had clicked through the screens hundreds of times before, without thinking much of it. I just want the money, and these buttons are slowing me down!

“Continue with conversion?”

Do I agree to these terms, this exchange, this continued changing of form? It was a question that struck me as both humorous and haunting. Maybe it’s how Peter felt after denying Jesus.₂ My avoidance of the Spirit was now staring me in the face. I smiled and let out a nervous laugh. I could see my own reflection in the ATM display. This was the question I needed to face. It was if Jesus was asking it to me, kindly, gently, but with certainty, “Shall we move forward, Bruce?”

Irenaeus (130-202 AD) suggested that the end of our being, God’s goal as it were for us, is formation. I believe this is true. Heaven is not our goal, as if God’s whole salvation enterprise is to remove us from this broken world and place us in a better place. Rather, Jesus has brought heaven into this broken world, and we are the ones being made better. We are what scripture calls God’s workmanship _3. Our choice lies in whether we want to remain on the potter’s wheel?

Shall we continue forming your heart, dear child?

My first reaction, was honestly, “Lord, where else can I go?” If I want the nearness of your presence, the continued fresh work of your Spirit in my heart, I have to click yes! There’s no way around this, it’s how God works, he changes us, converts us, and if we are not allowing Him access to our hearts, we can forget about the reward.

He’s got us, relentlessly loving and moving us to more surrender, more undoing, more conversion.

I’ve been technically following this Jesus of Nazareth for the better part of 30 years now. I’m only beginning, however, to recognize the deeper, slow work of the Spirit in my life. He forms us in these valleys. He’s not interested in production and performance. He’s going for the heart, the renovation of my entire command center, my way of being in this world. He sees the unhealthy ways, the stumbling blocks, my deep patterns that remain unshaped, unformed, unconverted.

Genuine Jesus following is Jesus trusting. Trusting that I can, at all times, bring my true self before him in ruthless honesty and receive the help I need.

If we want the nearness of his presence, we have to keep clicking yes.  This, for me, is getting more difficult, not less with age. Clicking yes, giving continued permission to the Spirit to work seems to be a posture, a way of being, and starts over again each day.

I am thankful for the pursuit of God, and the times that he hangs with us as we attempt to find solace in the wrong places. His mercy is so great! You too can trust him to form and work in that most difficult place – do you have any other choice, really?

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Footnotes:

1- Psalm 32:4 “For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer” (NIV). The ‘hand of the Lord’ or ‘hand of God’ is accounted for 122 times in the Old Testament. It’s range of use is all over the map, from the blessing of God, empowerment to perform miracles, to looming judgment over evil.

2- John 21:15-25 the story of resurrected Jesus interacting with Peter after his denial and famously inquiring three times, “Peter, do you love me?”

3- Ephesians 2:10 (NIV) Paul shares to the church at Ephesus, “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

Feeling Disconnected? In Paul’s first chapter to the Romans, he writes, “I am longing to see you so that I may share with you some spiritual gift to strengthen you – or rather, so that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith.” Our world is changing rapidly. Some missiologists liken the present to the age of discovery (15-17th Century) when much of our unknown world became known. When significant cultural shifts occur within a short period of time, we can loose our moorings. Our mental models that served us seemingly well, are uprooted and a sense of anxiety creeps into social systems. During the age of exploration, fear gripped nations. Read the history! Instead of celebrating new opportunities, folks hunkered down in sometimes fierce opposition to change.

I think most would agree that with all our connectivity, the world is feeling quite disconnected

As believers, we can take comfort in history. We’ve traversed highly anxious periods of change before. The challenge, it seems, is to remain meaningfully connected in the world Jesus loves, rejecting the lure to hunker down and isolate. As comfortable as isolation can feel at times, it represents a failed opportunity to be the preserving salt of the Gospel for our generation. The Spirit is always at work in the world Jesus loves. Our invitation is to participate in these new places and spaces. Our world is shrinking, our cultures are synthesizing, cross pollinating. Wars, refugees, immigration, combined with ease of travel and connectivity, our world is changing before our eyes. How can we become and remain connected to the global body of Christ in this hour? If we’re not intentional about entering the lives of the global body of Christ, our perspectives will be unwittingly shaped by our immediately surrounding sub-culture.

Our call, I believe, is to become effective global believers, united not by flags alone, but by the unifying blood of the Eternal Son.

Paul understood this. He was eager to come and share his teaching and testimony to the Roman Jewish and Gentile believers. Yet, his posture was to learn and be encouraged by the faith of diverse friends. Paul understood the vision of heaven; a united creation, from every tribe, people and language (Rev 7:9) and the reality of experiencing it here, and now, on earth as it is in heaven. Those of you that know us, a constant theme of discussion and exploration has been how we can adapt and be the church for our generation. This is what gave birth to Lighthouse in Ukraine, and now we find ourselves in Romania, among locals and refugees asking the same question. Maybe you are also eager to explore new ways to connect, to encourage, and be encouraged? I’d like to invite you to connect with us, our leadership team and Ukrainian staff, we are meeting on the last Saturday of each month. It’s informal, intercultural, translated, one way you can remain connected to the global body of Christ in this disconnected world.

We Invite You!

Saturday, June 25th
10:00am MDT (Colorado Springs)
11:00am CDT (Dallas)
12:00pm EDT (Toronto)
7:00pm EEST (Ukraine + Romania) Link: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/88686806253
*English & Ukrainian Translation

We’ve been in the US for 2 weeks already. The first week I was pretty sick and lost my voice for what seamed like an eternity for someone that likes to talk! I don’t enjoy hopping in and out of difficult cultures. I’m getting too old for this. I’m very thankful for the safe, comfortable and naturally gorgeous ‘home’ to return to, especially in this season of unrest, but 2022 feels like a short-term mission trip so far, and I’d like to be planted, root and bear fruit in one place. I’ve often said, or thought at least, we creatures are designed for flourishing in one culture, and while travel broadens and can be exciting in spurts, too much roaming lacks the necessary rhythms that help us flourish.

So we’re home. Funny. When we go to Walmart or venture outside our mountain oasis, we’re startled by most of our surroundings. The language, the attitudes, the prices! Our kids are enjoying the time, and we’re enjoying them. We’re hoping to setup our house here for short term rentals, our original plan before life became upended from this war.

We do need to rent it out, we can’t afford to have it sit, and there’s plenty of things we need to update and those things cost. I had a contractor come out to give me an estimate on a driveway issue, it was five figures! I laughed (inwardly) in disbelief. I could fly over some Ukrainian friends to do it and still save money I think.

We saw Bronwyn, but for a day this week. Next time we see her is in 3 days. We’ll be driving up for the wedding in Rochester, actually Fairport to be exact. My parents will be driver around Lake Ontario to join us. Broderic and his family, Brent, Tucker and our crew will all travel to the same hotel. It’s a small wedding, might be the smallest I’ve been to. It’s not because I’m cheap either, just for heritage sake.. she’s decide to take the money and go on a nice honeymoon vs blow it on entertaining others. That’s my girl! We’re not suppose to really just dress up, but just enjoy the backyard festivities and celebrate life – L’Chaim.

Life. Brief. A gift. Lived best backwards, ensuring the valuable gives way over impulsivity and shortsightedness. Does it matter if we finish well? To whom? I read Ecclessiates this past week, it was rather depressing. I’m thankful to have studied a little of the wisdom books at Fuller. Instead of shoehorning unappetizing bits of truth in my mouth for forced digestion, I understand now this writer was postulating inner uncertainties, thing that nag and grind inside when we consider this life. I don’t need to be reminded how depressing life can be without the loving, personified Creator in Jesus. Life is not about enjoying one’s labor, or laboring for enjoyment. Jesus has liberated us from the chains of unsatisfied pleasures, the constant pursuit of vain empty things never intended to bring the rest our souls desire. We are liberated for something, or rather someone. To know our Creator, to become united in character through a life-long, and perhaps even eternal path of formation. We’re being remade, in a process of undoing. Perhaps that’s the real freedom Jesus ushered in. It’s not just a liberty from our fears and things that bind us up and drag us down, but a liberty for a pathway, a relationship that will completely redefine our expectations in this life.

I’m on a journey. As a husband, father and son. The road is not so clear as it once was. The certainties less affirming, the invitation to surrender and trust my Creator might be the only thing I can be assured of. It’s not an easy season in life, this descent seems lonely and steep. It’s journeyed on through letting go, striving no longer works its deceptive magic. I don’t know if I have the strength to cease striving, the faith deep enough to rest in the arms of the Great Shepherd. In some ways, it feels like life is only beginning.

I look forward to seeing my kids. My grandson Byron. Life. The rhythm is all around, inwardly and outwardly.